I got chris browned last night
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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