i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
