she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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