Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
