Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
