Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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