So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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