you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
