I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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