We're facebook friends in real life
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
