his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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