i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize