I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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