I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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