question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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