I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
