I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
