Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
