Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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