Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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