Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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