I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
