Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
