He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
