I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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