He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
