I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
