Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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