I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
