did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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