This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
