I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
