I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
