I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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