i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
