Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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