It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
