R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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