o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
