my phone needs a breathalizer
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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