Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
