You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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