I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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