If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
