I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
