Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just threw up on my dentist
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
