2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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