nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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