jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
There's even glitter on my cock...
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