Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
