I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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