I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
