Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
