meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
