Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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