When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
