im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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