Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
