I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
