My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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